The After

Clearly the mood doesn't strike very often for me to write on this. Again, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. More than I can possibly but down in one sitting. To sum things up: I took the NAVLE (and passed), Derek came home, I made it through the anesthesia rotation and graduated from vet school. I got a job in DeLand, Florida and moved down there. Derek got moved to Fort Knox at the beginning of July and is currently doing his job at a base in Indiana until mid October (don't ask, the army doesn't make any sense to me...).

There have been a lot of changes in the past few months. Right before moving to Florida, my grandpa passed away. I haven't had anyone in my family pass away who I was close to since my great grandma died my freshmen year of high school. I took her death very hard. I've been able to accept my grandpa's death easier, partly, I think because in a way he was already gone. Alzheimer's had pretty much stolen his mind for the past two years, reducing him to just a shell of a body. The last few times I did get to see him he had no recollection of who I was. It's hard watching someone you love waste away before you. It was amazing to see the kind of love my grandma had for him though. I can only hope to achieve that same level of devotion some day. May you rest in peace Papa.

Oh a happier note I got a kitten (well rather a kitten was dumped into my lap). His name is Jack (in honor of JACK'EM). And he's pretty much the best cat ever.

Well it's getting to be my bedtime. Til the next time I get an urge to write...

Well It's Been A While

I guess my enthusiasm for blogging didn't last long, or rather starting clinics left me with no time for such things as this.

Too much has happened in the past 8 months to try to write it all down. Clinics have gone by in a blur. Just when I get comfortable in one rotation it's time to switch to the next. Gotta keep us on our toes I guess. I take boards very soon...December 8th to be exact. My focus for studying has been slipping. Since starting clinics, I really have no idea how I used to study for at least 8 hours on end almost every day. I just can't do it anymore. My brain starts to hurt and I get major ADD. So studying for boards hasn't been the most successful...Here's to hoping I just pass them.

In a week from now I'll be going to Panama, which I'm rather excited for. I've never been outside the country before. Stine (my roommate) and I are going for an externship with a spay/neuter program they have down there. Pretty excited to brush up on my spaying and neutering skills. They need a brush up.

My boyfriend should hopefully be coming home in 2 months or so. I'll gladly take a month early redeployment. I scheduled an externship last May though that starts January 8th, which is right around the time he might be coming back. I'm really praying that he'll be back before I start this externship. I can't express how heartbroken I will be if I don't get to be at his redeployment ceremony. So I'm just trying not to think about the "what if" of that happening and just praying that it won't be the case.

The past month of so of deployment has been the hardest. I kept hearing others say 8 months in is the worst part and now I understand why. Month 8 really did suck the most, and it wasn't even anything in particular really. I just no longer remember what it's like to have him here...to be able to drive over to his apartment and lay on the couch with him while watching 30 Rock. Or having the comfort of him sleeping next to me. Or getting breakfast on the weekends. I honestly don't remember what that feels like anymore, and I think that's what has been the hardest part. I keep telling myself only 2 more months...but those 2 months feel like an eternity once you've gotten this far. I'm hoping with the holidays coming up time will go by faster but I also know Christmas is going to make me miss him that much more and wish he were here for it...In conclusions: deployments suck.

So that's pretty much my update. I could write about a lot more but my attention span is waning. Til next time.

My Shawnee

I believe, without a doubt, that I would not have made it through these past three years without my dog, Shawnee. I also believe that I won't make it though the next one without her.


Almost three Junes ago I received a phone call informing me I had made it into Kansas State's vet school, and I was ecstatic. After months of rejection and being wait listed that phone call put me on cloud nine. And it also meant one more thing: I could finally get my own dog.


My search began on petfinder.com. My dad had recently got it into his head that Chesapeake Bay Retrievers were the perfect dog for me, so this is what I searched for. Chessies are not an extremely popular breed (why, I have no idea, with my experience they're perfect) so my search had very few results within my vicinity...except Shawnee. She was only 45 minutes away, but I hesitated to even go look at her. Her profile claimed she was 3 years old, and that was older than I was wanting at the time. I instead went to the shelter she was at to look at a different dog, but upon arriving I learned that dog had been adopted so I figured I'd go ahead and see Shawnee. Might as well, I was already there. One of the best decisions of my life, in fact, I often think it was meant to be. I remember first walking up to her kennel and she got up and came to sniff my hand through the bars. One of the workers said she would bring Shawn outside so I could meet her, and so I went out to wait for her in the grass. She came out prancing, carrying her bowl in her mouth, a habit, that to this day, has not gotten old or any less enduring.

A week later I made Shawnee mine. Only $150 dollars. I would have paid anything knowing what I do now. That first car ride home, she nearly laid on top of me the whole way, looking both very worried and concerned as to what was happening. Winning Shawnee's trust took some time. Not every shelter dog comes out happy-go-lucky and constantly wagging their tail. In fact, most don't. Shawnee was no exception. Her owners gave her up while she was pregnant. She had her puppies at the shelter and they all got long adopted before she did. And to this day, I believe she was somewhat abused before I found her. She had a grave dislike for anyone she didn't know trying to pet her on top of her head. She also did not trust you to rub her belly, as most dogs would love. And being around a crowd initially made her panic and become overwhelmed. I cannot describe how much Shawnee has improved with these things since I adopted her. And I cannot tell you how much winning her trust meant to me as she now allows me to do all these and even relishes in my belly rubs for her. Even though Shawnee has been with me for almost 3 years now she still suffers from abandonment issues and insists on following me everywhere, including into the bathroom. Whenever I come home she becomes so excited that I'm back she has to bring me a "present", be it a shoe, bowl, ball, or even make up bag. If she can't find something to bring me then watch out, she will flip out and go on a terror until she does.

No matter how many times I pick up all the shoes in our living room, kitchen, and bathrooms, there is always another pile by the end of the week that Shawnee has brought down from my room. Sometimes playing the "where is my shoe?" game after already running late for school can get annoying, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. For the past 3 years she has been my constant companion, my shadow, my protector. When life gets to be too overwhelming for me she is always there to put her head on my lap, or wag her tail, or look at me with so much love in her eyes I can't help but feel better. And through these past two months when I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come and loneliness, sadness, and worry overtake me without warning sometimes, I take comfort in reaching out my hand and feeling her breathing beside me. Shawnee was meant to find me so I could heal her, if only she knew how many times over she has repaid that to me.

Timing, white coats, and being mistaken for a dude

One of the most frustrating things I have discovered within the past month and a half is timing. A couple weeks ago I missed my boyfriend online by about ten minutes 3 times in 2 days. And then the next day when I did finally catch him online he had to switch computers and I couldn't wait for him to get back on because I had to be somewhere within ten minutes. This, inevitably, lead to me having a complete break down in front of my roommate while unpacking groceries later. Nothing like sobbing on your roommate's shoulder while holding lunchmeat. Oh the joys of deployment.

In other news I became the proud owner of a shiny white coat last week. After three long years I finally get to wear the infamous white coat. The vet school makes a big deal out of this accomplishment, but really walking across the stage and even wearing it aftewards, I didn't feel all that different. Maybe once it's actually put into action it will feel like more of a big deal. Can't really enjoy it much with 3 weeks of school and finals left though, meaning that the possibility of failing this semester is still there. It's like they give you just enough to give you a little bit of hope while you're sitting at the ceremony fully knowing it may all be taken away from you. Vet school has a way of doing that a lot.

And now my rant of the week. You can imagine my joy when I opened an email this week with the header, "Dear Mr. Nickel". This happens more than I would like; however, it's usually with random junk mail for credit cards I don't want (even more incentive not to get them) and spam. This email was in regards to an award I got selected for. Now one would think the person emailing me about such a thing would double check my gender before calling me a mister. Guess not. It took a lot of will power not to reply, "Dear Mr. So and So: I am a girl." Now that I've been insulted I don't even want to go (well that's an exaggeration, I didn't really want to go in the first place and lucky for me I have a lab that afternoon so I have an excuse not to go). But honestly, if you're notifying someone of an award they're receiving please make sure you have the right gender before you hit send. I realize my name can be a guy's or a girl's, but so can a lot of names. Okay that's my rant. Off to bed I go for tomorrow's Saturday and that means sleeping in!

Waiting

So I told myself I wouldn't start one of these but here I am. I've been feeling somewhat helpless lately with a lot of things going on, so I thought maybe this would help. It seems like I'm doing a lot of waiting lately. This week I'm waiting for these next two exams to be done so I can receive my white coat on Friday, which apparently is a big deal in vet school. For me, I don't think it's quite sunk in yet that after this month, I will never again be sitting in a classroom taking notes on my laptop on a daily basis. In a short month I will be in clinics, praying that the last 3 years I've spent holed up in my room studying every night has paid off enough for me to at least not accidentally kill anything. I can only hope. So I'm waiting for this month to be over, and for panic to set in.

Right now I'm waiting for my boyfriend, who is currently deployed in Afghanistan, to get online. Or at least hoping that he will, but it's looking like I won't be so lucky today. For the next year while he's away I'm going to be doing a lot of waiting. Waiting for his R&R. Waiting to see him and hug him again. Waiting to confirm he's still real. And waiting for him to come home for good. So right now I seem to be waiting for the next stage of my life to occur. Just waiting.